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"Perhaps we Love so Easily in Summer Because We Love Our Summer Selves" -Updike

This is the story I tell myself about endings.

You say I only remember Tallahassee but that is because it was the begining of the end. That time is burned in my mind because it was so beautiful and I felt so safe giving that much of myself to someone. 

We had struggled to get there. You had almost given up on me. I realized when you were gone one weekend that I was giving up too. That I was sliding into a pattern. Seeing him instead of you because you were never around. So I cut him out to let you in. Because I liked that we were being honest and I wanted to give it a real try this time, for the sake of trying. Not because I knew you or you knew me. In the end it’s amazing how much we hardly knew each other but because we both had decided this somehow. Not at the same time but in our way we were just going to try.

So we went to Tallahassee.

There was, for a moment with you security. And it felt good. It felt like what I imagine a spiritual home might feel like. Spiritual because it is not set in a place. It just exists in time. 

I was so comfortable with you there that I gave you head in the living room after we thought everyone had gone to sleep. Because in Tallahassee I felt equal with you even with my head tucked underneath the blanket that your aunt had made by hand. A blanket you loved. Had never shared with anyone that wasn’t family.

And after one short week we left. 

And it was not easy. 

We drove for hours and waited half asleep in all the inbetween phases. 

And I got really tired and you were no longer present with me there in my tiredness. You relapsed. Fell asleep in the car, at the airport, on the plane like a kid, your head pressed up against the window, your face hidden in your green fleece. 

We were together only when it was easy to be together. In the summer months we thought we loved each other. It was harder in those moments than it would have been if I was alone. I was not the first to leave but once left, once you were on the other side of the world I realized I felt more myself than I had in a long while.

Just as it was harder for me to be with W than it would have been without him because I felt I was carrying his suffering with my suffering. Perhaps that’s always how it is. Perhaps that’s what signals leaving.

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This may sound rather abstract at first, but all of us who have seen a loved one die will remember the profound insight that, once death has set in, the body looks just like an empty shell left behind. Since the body is our vehicle and the storehouse of our past, we want to practice asana to the point where it serves us well, while releasing and letting go of the past that is stored in it.

Yoga is the middle path between two extremes. On the one hand, we can go to the extreme of practicing fanatically and striving for an ideal while denying the reality of this present moment. The problem with this is that we are only ever relating to ourselves as what we want to become in the future and not as what we are right now. The other extreme is advocated by some schools of psychotherapy that focus on highlighting past traumas. If we do this, these traumas can increase their grip on us, and we relate to ourselves as we have in the past, defining ourselves by the “stuff that’s coming up” and the “process that we are going through.” Asana is an invitation to say goodbye to these extremes and arrive at the truth of the present moment.

 Ashtanga Yoga Practice and Philosophy by Gregor Maehle
Quote IconPartial yoga methods out of line with their internal purpose can build up the ‘six enemies’ (desire, anger, greed, illusion, infatuation, and envy) around the heart. The
full Ashtanga system practised with devotion leads to freedom within one’s heart.
Ashtanga Yoga Practice and Philosophy by Gregor Maehle

light sensitive device responding to ambient infrared light from the sun. Changes in the intensity of light in the atmosphere at sunset and sunrise cause the array of 64 infrared photosensors to randomly trigger for about five minutes (before this time they are over-saturated and cannot reset to an “off” state, and after this time there is not enough light to produce an “on” message). This stream of random data was sent to an additive synthesis patch in Max/MSP: in effect, translating ambient light into ambient sound.”